convoluted abuse of the english language

What would you do with a lottery win?

2009-06-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

Oh, don't pretend you haven't fantasized about it! We've all had the conversation. It runs through the same stages every time. What would your initial reaction be? How long would you wait to start spending: as soon as you knew? As soon as the cheque came through? As soon as it cleared?

Then on to the size of the win. It's funny when some people choose not to be 'greedy', opting for a modest couple of million. As if greed might put a hex on their chances of a real-life future win. Or as if they had any more power to accord themselves a 'moderate' cool two mil, than eighty million.

Next the portioning out starts. How much to charity? (Any?) How much to family members (and which ones?) Where does what's left go? Into a high-interest account? Any riskier investments? (At this point someone points out that the lottery administrators can advise on appropriate investment of winnings).

Then comes the fun part: how much capital can you let go of, and what is it going to go on? How many bedrooms in the house, garden specifications – fruit trees? A brook? A games room? A sauna? A swimming pool? (The swimming pool is key for me: no swimming pool, no deal).

The car discussion is more for the benefit of the man in the house, but join in girls, it's just not the same without some interplay. Lamborghini? (Why not just buy a second house while you're at it?) If it's pretty and sporty it's fine by me and I wouldn't know the difference between that and an elderly Supra. But play along, play along.

Lifestyle gets chewed to pieces: would you give up work altogether? (Then some mockery of those who vow they won't.) Would you close your existing business? (Perhaps not. You never know.) Do a Phd.? Study silversmithing? Lie in a hammock under an apple tree all the livelong day, perhaps, cat on your lap, glass of wine on a little table, book in hand. Now that's the life.

Fancy TVs, immaculate kitchens, luxurious bathrooms: for half an hour's blissful speculation, we're all fantasy millionaires. And very, very picky ones. “Oh, I don't like blue in a bathroom. All white and green tiles. Italian tiles, of course.” Of course!

And what's the harm? When the reverie is over and we come back to harsh reality, we remember. We remember that, no, we haven't really won. Yet. But it was really fun for a while pretending!

Catzzz

2008-03-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

Say it out loud, I'm a gay cat and I'm proud. Yes, it IS you I'm staring at.

Creative Swearing

2008-02-24T08:42:00.000-08:00

I read a post on The Simple Dollar - http://www.thesimpledollar.com/ - about a book with a guy who was very creative in his swearing. He was one of the first straight make-over volunteers on the US 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy', and he got around socially-inappropriate swearing in his book by such phrases as 'What the Fred Savage were you thinking?' I'm sure you can think of other examples.

My creative cursing is somehow never so innocent. My OH does love the one that sprang to my lips when he was having parking troubles at his father's house last Christmas though - 'Fuckinabucket!'

What does it mean? Nothing! Why does it have to mean anything?

I remember the girl at a bank where I temped, whose response to any customer query I relayed to her was invariably 'Tell them they can just SHIT OFF!'

Trouble is, I don't think she was joking...

And there's my current favourite, 'Shite Almighty!', another that keeps OH innocently sniggering for hours...

Gosh-darned Ellora's Cave

2007-07-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

... and their apparent lack of a niche for my latest meisterwerk.

Ho hum. Onto the next one. Or five thousand words in, to be precise. You've got to GRIND 'EM DOWN!

Time for a re-write and re-think on the old forest-killer, too, maybe.

Celebrities without slap, Channel 5

2007-05-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

Nothing you can see on this show is as ugly as the souls of the people who made it.

U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI!

2007-05-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

Miss Snark is no more. Now that's sad. Maybe she's run off to fulfil her Sapphic passion for Miss Genoese. We weren't fooled by all that Clooney hoo-haa...

Big blooming holes...

2007-05-18T04:04:00.000-07:00

In the plot of my Ellora's Cave novel. Of course I only noticed them when it came time to write the synopsis.

ALERT! write your synopsis on an ongoing basis while working on the manuscript: it can flag up problems pretty damn good.

Sucking at your new job...

2007-05-11T13:23:00.001-07:00

Gosh darn sucks.

startin' a new job...

2007-05-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

and I feel about as intelligent as a lump of cheese...

tony bliar is a dirty pig and catherine tate is stupid

2007-04-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

So who saw the Catherine Tate sketch with our dearlyloved scumbag Tone? And who is crossing her off the Chrissie card list as a result?

I can't believe this of an apparently intelligent woman. Why? Why? If it's a case of sinking her better feelings for the sake of the cause, then shouldn't the irony at least have prevented her? A man personally responsible for the death and mutilation of thousands of screaming children: how is any charity helping children well-served by using him in fundraising activities?

I had a rant about this to the other half earlier today: it included references to TB being a walking piece of shit and talking turd. However OH pointed out that this was something of an overreaction: being as it was a disservice to shit'n'turds everywhere, who at least serve a greater purpose within the ecosystem.

blimmin heck

2007-03-02T23:40:00.000-08:00

I have bills to pay. I am half way through editing my first draft for my ellora's cave hopeful. i will have many troubles at work next week.

i am having a troublesome weekend. darn.

front-bottom

2007-03-01T12:18:00.000-08:00

Wah! The first draft of my romantica novel is now finished - now there's just three further drafts to slog through before bunging it off to Ellora's Cave. Ready or not - once it's a toddler it's off out into the harsh world to earn its living. Already started on the new one.

2007-01-14T01:51:00.001-08:00

Into New Blogger. It's a pain in the bum this switching over.

now, at last, it is christmas

2006-12-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

which, after the age of about 12, means time to put your feet up and explore the world of spirits and liqueurs you haven't tried before.

I feel queasy, the works Xmas lunch didn't go too well and I've still got wrapping to do. How about you?

I'm a ladee sherree drinker

2006-09-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

So I had a doctor's appointment today, and I had forgotten to buy an onion in my shopping earlier. So I popped into the supermarket next door to the doctor's, and wondered why everything had yellow sale stickers on it. Turned out they were closing down, and everything was about 80 pence or so, special closing offer. I got three bottles of spirits for about a fiver, and several packets of luxury fancy crisps, and some fancy Cheddar cheese shortbread, etc etc etc.

Now I'm piddled.

Yes, I forgot the onion.

Brain Fulla Poop

2006-09-17T01:12:00.000-07:00

Making Light has a post on the big hissy sulker fit Bush is having about getting Congress to OK torture of 'non-combatants'.

It's so depressing what big pig-poopy heads he and Blair are.

I don't understand it, really. They both claim to be religious believers. Presumably they think they'll be held accountable for their actions when they die. Would you like to be held accountable for their list crimes against humanity? It's not as if they're youngsters: they've probably got maybe another 25-30 years on this rock, at most.

Or is the whole 'I'm a holy man of God' bullshit, exactly that? Do they think they're going to get off scot-free?

http://www.nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/

wiki-wiki-wiki-wiki-

2006-09-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

Honestly. I love Wikipedia, me, but sometimes I can see what its detractors are talking about.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Gerson_therapy

Both sides on the Wiki Gerson dispute are so damn stupid, aggressive and ad hominem it would be nice to smash their heads together.

'You're wrong, and by the way you're also stupid, bitch!'

'No, you're stupid, and you're also committing the ad hominem fallacy, whore-arse!'

'You're the ad hominem one, monkey-butt-poopy-brain!'

'You're a monkey-butt-poopy-brain with pussy-smell fingers, wrinkly-booby old geezer!'

Etc., etc., et friggin cetera...

Will someone just hose them all down?

For the record, and as someone with a rudimentary scientific training, it's funny to see the pro-cutting and burning side committing as many errors of logic as the voodoo-and-raw-carrots enthusiasts...

The tenor of a weekend...

2006-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Can be judged by what alcohol you start off with on a Friday night. This weekend it's the pale cream sherry - last weekend it was the dark cream (very Miss Marple one feels. I should have had a little twinset and tweeds on to match, preferably while seated in a vicarage drawing room). The weekend before it was Brahma lager, before that cheap sweet white and before that even cheaper cheapshit bubbly perry fizz from the shop on the corner.

But this weekend, I feel a little sophisticated.

Ellora's Cave

2006-09-10T02:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm trying to write a super hothothot smutfest romance novel. It's hard work! My technique at the moment is just to write a straight romance and then periodically interject a boff-fest into it. I cry out to the boyf at these moments, 'Oy! Matey! They must shag again! What this time?'

Deep sigh answers me, followed by, 'I dunno! Troilism? Nurse outfit? Bit of doggin'?'

Generally replied to by me, 'That's old hat, asshat! Can't you think of anything interesting?'

Yanno (TM) - sex, it just gets to be the same old same old after a bit. Eh? Eh?

Junk

2006-09-10T02:27:00.000-07:00

I finally put all my junk on Amazon to sell.

Well, I say junk. Some of it really is, but most of it is books I'd like to read, but short of winning the lottery and having an extra 37.5 hours per week free, I simply know it's never going to happen. International Macroeconomics, Toxicology and the Australasian Herbal , Victorian Life Belowstairs, Fundamentals of Astrophysics, A Beginner's Guide to Linux - all interesting, all requiring more time and attention than I'm going to have in the next couple of decades. None of them have been opened in the last ten years. Time to wave a tearful farewell and make some dosh.

Beauty

2006-09-09T04:23:00.000-07:00

http://www.briandamato.com/

Everybody should read 'Beauty' by Brian D'Amato. Everybody! (Yelling now).

I get these fixations. (The Dud Avocado by Elaine Dundy is another). But really. There should be a law.

Roseanne love fest

2006-09-09T02:52:00.000-07:00

I've got seasons 1-3 of Roseanne on DVD now and I'm loving it. But when is Season 4 out? How long do we have to wait?

It's funny, I watch Home Improvement on ABC every morning when I'm getting ready for work: I'm not proud of it, it's undemanding shite and doesn't require concentration. And I think about why Roseanne was so derided and disliked by right-wing critics for its supposed feminist agression. As opposed to piece-of-shit shows like HI which supposedly support family values.

I think it's exactly the other way about. Watching HI, you see a couple - educated, lecturing wifey vs. dumbo, dick-swinging hubby - whose interests are at odds. Hubby has to be regularly educated out of his unthinking sense of entitlement, civilized and tamed into an acceptable consort. Wifey has to downshift her expectations and understand she will never make him over into the man he's supposed to be. Kids have to be cute and lectured at on all possible occasions, brought to understand that the parents' way is the only way: their POV of view should not be heard, the notion they might have a point should not be conceded. All expressed in saccharine dialogue, with plot points and lessons learned heavily signposted for the hard of thinking.

Everyone is, however covertly, fighting everyone else: it's a turf war. How much of my own way can I get, without conceding a thing to the other guy? Concerns are atomised: it's all me me me and self self self.

On Roseanne, that nasty, aggressively feminist, queen-bee show: not so much. This couple, Dan and Roseanne, joke about the same turf wars that actually go on, on HI. But in practice they are shown as a united force, with shared aims. There is love in this house. The parents have, and exert, authority. But they recognise their kids' points of view. Sometimes a kid is right and a parent wrong. Endings can be ambiguous: sometimes the viewer has to have a point of view, a decision.

It's a working-class, bluecollar family, with shared aims, supporting each other, fighting for each other as well as themselves. And part of a wider community doing the same thing. (In the first season there are even breaths and hints of the possibility of unionisation in the workforce).

No wonder it was criticised. Goddamned soulless Godless Heathen communists: thank God He struck them down in Season Nine.

All things Buffy - Season 8

2006-09-09T02:15:00.000-07:00

Oh my God I can't believe they did this. I was committed to this season, it had a lot of really good things in it. Colour me blooming frustrated. Did Joss ever do this to us? (I mean by choice).

http://www.buffyworld.com/comments.php?id=180&action=add

eing cting aseing shte

2006-09-09T01:54:00.000-07:00

Him indoors says I'm getting very sweary lately. What the f*ck is he on about?

I think I'm justifiably provoked. If I want to describe Tony Bliar-on-a-leash as a w*nking dribbling piece of conscience-free meretricious fluffery on a stick stuck up Bush's backside - isn't that fair comment?

Or 'Comedian' Jimmy Carr - if I call him a puffy-cheeked hamster boy who looks like he took a tip from Fight Club to steal liposuction fat and inject it into his fat ugly face, and then scavenged the sewer system to try the same trick on his brain, and - oh, sorry, I forgot the swearing. He's a fat ugly useless piece of woman-repellent c*nt, too. In fact if you have any pesky women in your vicinity and you want to deter them, just make a Jimmy Carr mask and put it on. You'll hear their screams from eighteen blocks away, that's after they've run that far.

Call me Sweary Mary.

the book what i'm writing

2006-09-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

http://justinelarbalestier.com/blog/?p=398

JL's post about how to write a novel. It's mental mate. Spreadsheets? Aren't they for accountants?

My method:

1 Write 100 words of utter rubbish using the stream of consciousness/automatic writing method.
2 Go on the Net and putter about for 10 mins: Miss Snark, Romancing the Blog, Amazon, Fugazi Forum.
3 Repeat steps 1 and 2 until I've done 500 words
4 Go and do something else for a bit.
5 Come back and do steps 1, 2, 3, and 4.

It's working for me so far.

nuts nuts nuts

2006-09-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

Do not approach this cat if spotted. This cat is known to the authorities. This cat is EVIL EVIL EVIL.

new agey shite... or is it?

2006-06-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

' Throw out enough hooks, and sooner or later the universe will catch on one of them.'
http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/004772.html
Teresa Nielsen Hayden

Nice. Nice nice nice. I'd like to believe it's true - I certainly believe success and luck tend to be at least partly a numbers game. To hit a ball out of the court you've got to get in there and keep swinging, etc.

BEER FEST!

2006-06-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

Beer fest coming up locally in a couple of weeks - I fully expect to be blogging with utter abandon and incoherence, so don't say you weren't warned.

A couple of the volunteers are old friends of mine I'd lost touch with, and how I found out about it was by bumping into one of them. Destiny - so much easier than two humungous weekend long fruitless attempts to search out a lost telephone number...

George, gentleman and scholar

2006-06-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

Shall i sit here and ponder whether Sartre would have considered eating the bird, upon catching it, the only authentic course signifying my acceptance of the consequence of my choice?

Or shall I go and chat up that handsome ginger Tom next door? Hey Tommy, NICE CHAPS!

2006-06-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

Ha-haaar! I am the Sodcat, he of the Sod Superpowers, and I am about to.....

Nope, that doesn't work.

THE WITCH IS DEAD DING-DONG

2006-06-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

Ha ha, the Delphi Fugazi Forum is officially dead! Nuthin' going on there, folks, move along, nothing to see.

I stopped hanging out there 'cause of an awful witch of a woman who was forever sticking it to me with covert underhand (don't talk to me about redundancy fuckhead) snidery. Which apparently everyone else was too dense to identify. (90% guys, go figure).

Real queen bee type, couldn't stand competition (as she saw it) from another woman. (Not projection, guys: I'd never had a problem with any other woman on there, nor in real life). So I fucked off, and she had the guys practically all to herself. Hog heaven!

Then she had herself a racist tirade and wasn't Miss Congeniality/Popularity any more, so she had a hissy fit and fucked off herself. Boo hoo hoo!

office space

2006-05-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

Boyf loves this flick. Got to get him one of these!

http://jeremy.zawodny.com/blog/archives/006736.html

work tomorrow...

2006-05-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

..... And lo, the face of the seagod did rise above the face of the waters, and he did declaim in a voice both thunderous and of a Brummie intonation:

'Thou shalt worship the Whedon, and hold him sacred above all things - else thou shalt feel all the force of my mighty wrath, and I shall be bleedin' wroth with thee! All right, chuck?'

Dumb-arse advice from a rank amateur...

2006-05-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Who's never been published, unless we're counting the letters page of the defunct Melody Maker. (Ah, the scribes of MM - clueless, intellectually dishonest, incapable of sequential deduction and couldn't put their eyeliner on straight).

One in a very occasional series for would-be writers!

1. A BLANK PAGE IS NOT YOUR RAW MATERIAL!

A finished first draft is your raw material. So finish your fucking manuscript!

A first draft is your raw material like clay is raw material to a potter, or a canvas and oils to a painter. Nuthin' you can do without it. Doesn't matter how shite you might think that first draft is - it's clay, that's all, it's not supposed to be art. Yet. Give yourself something to work on - how can you hone your critical and editorial skills without it?

sometimes it's hard to be a writer...

2006-05-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

saving all your love for just one blog .... uh, manuscript. No words written today: visited old buds and their offshoots. And the cats too - Big Shout goin' out to SODCAT - he of the SODSUPERPOWERS!

Cartoon coming soon.

an indirect tribute to Joss Whedon

2006-05-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

'Rrrrroarrrrrrrrr!'

'AAAAArrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhHH!'

'RRRRRR ... sod this. Wanna cuppa?'

'Pie 'n' all. Let's be off to the butty wagon.'

Safe in the arms of Jeezy...

2006-05-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

I'm having a teetotal weekend rats. Previously I convinced myself I had a salicylate sensitivity and was on the gin but boy I felt rough on that.

Mine's a fizzy water with a slice of lemon. rats rats rats.

Thinking is, if it's so hard to have a teetotal weekend then you really need one.

2006-05-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

'Hello?'

'What?'

'Who's that?'

'What?'

25,000 words on the novel now woooooo me.

just wasted half an hour I could have been writing searching for an interesting blog I failed to save in favourites a few days ago. Darn darn.

2006-05-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

18,000 words on my romance novel now. Goshdarn!

I've been alternately accused of writing fanfic and invited to submit further work by, ahem, two different sub-editors on an online magazine. Go FIGURE people, as I might say if I was some Sonic Youth-worshipping idiot like Chloe Sevigny..

Kama Sutra

2006-05-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

Look, this is where my hands are supposed to go
on the Twister diagram. It must be right!

Rejected again...

2006-04-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

an editor has failed to recognise the genius of my latest spooky story. Tarnation...

Ian Mackaye is weird weird weird

2006-04-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

Went to see the Evens in a church recently. Are they weird or what? What. And weird.

Amy Farina has a fucking scary voice too. When she really lets rip it pushes you back in your seat. Powerful.

Triffic, but I hate the whole bully-gym-teacher thing Ian goes thru every time, making everyone join in with the whole 'the-police-will-not-behave' farrago. I made a polite pretence initially then just lay back in my seat and sulked. Enforced participation, what fun. How much less punk could you be.

Henry Rollins - Silver Fox

2006-04-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

Good title for a 70s P.D. show or what? Went to see old Hank do stand-up last week - it very much rocked, the best I have ever seen him, especially about the little Russian lady scraping poop off the underside of the Trans-Siberian Express. Rocking the white hair, Hank!

Let it grow or plan it out?

2006-03-12T03:12:00.000-08:00

If you're a writer which path do you choose? Personally I can't understand those people who know what the end of their story is before they write the first word. Maybe they have very organised minds! Damn them.

It must be easier though. Letting a story grow as you write it is kind of like setting out to find a place miles away without looking at a map on the net, or asking for any directions, or finding out what county the town is located in.

Maybe I should have a re-think.

I do do planning of a sort, though: generally when I've already written a few thousand words. That's the point where I start having problems: I can do great opening chapters, then it's the whole 'where the hell is my plotline going now?' problem. So I start mind mapping (see Tony Buzan and any of his books) - little spidery pictures joining up different characters and ideas and possibilities. It helps to make my ideas cohere, and some kind of direction (hopefully) takes shape. I usually start off with one (or more) for the whole novel, then go kind of chapter by chapter, mindmap by mindmap.

Seems to be helping with the fantasy novel, which was all over the place before I started this process.

hurry up!

2006-03-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

OK bored now. where's my advance, agent and million-dollar book deal? i want it and i want it now!

luv n money

2006-03-11T16:37:00.000-08:00

now i'm writing a romance novel. i've tried it before and received some half-hearted encouragement. but take a look around. have a read of what's out there. how hard can it be?

finished a spooky short story too - going to get the boyf and friends to critique it then send it off.

i'm a writah darling.

2006-02-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

... I tell you I have got the hang of it. It can't be that difficult anyway...

Phallic symbol?

2006-02-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

What phallic symbol?

check it out

2006-02-18T01:18:00.000-08:00

http://www.chuckbaldwinlive.com/

The Feb 7th essay. I found it on a complete religious nut's site , but it's good (and scary) all the same.

Dear Auntie Gladys...

2006-02-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry my thank-you letter is so late after Christmas - but as you see I love the sweater you knitted me. In fact I can hardly bear to take it off - in fact I haven't been able to get it off. For the last six weeks!

the BOOK

2006-02-12T03:53:00.000-08:00

Up to 20,000 words now - yee - haw me!

Roseanne Barr is BAD BAD BAD

2006-02-12T03:49:00.000-08:00

... and insanely funny. Went to see her play at the Leicester comedy festival in the UK last night - I think the funniest thing was when she answered questions from the audience. One woman asked, 'Do you think Leicester will become the cultural centre of Europe now you've played here?' Rose answered, 'I thought it was the cultural centre of Europe - my agent is SO FIRED!'

Leicester is a hole in the ground in case you didn't know.

Oh yeah and there's the whole lapdance part at the end, that was scary...

oi'm a wroighter oi am

2006-02-09T17:01:00.000-08:00

in a funny accent even.

19,000 words of my fantasy novel written now - I'm trying for 500 words a day but averaging about 250-300. Still better than I've been doing for a long time - I'm mostly writing during my lunchbreak at work which is time I'd otherwise idle and waste away.

Can fame and fortune be far away?

Look, that was a rhetorical question OK?

river bottom and whackin' bottom

2006-01-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

I think I have a pathological condition - giggleophilia? Two or three times a year, I find something so funny that I can't stop laughing. No, you don't understand what I mean - I can't stop laughing. For an hour at a time sometimes - and that means an hour by the clock, not an-hour-and-what-I-really-mean-by-that-is-four-minutes. Till my ribs actually feel like they're broken.

The above observation is one of the culprits leading to such an episode. You may or may not know that the Phoenix family's real surname was Bottom. (Presumably Phoenix is a hippy hangover from their days with the truly dodgy Children of God cult). This naturally led to the observation that their original names were, therefore, rather than River Phoenix and Leaf/Joaquin Phoenix, River Bottom and Joaquin Bottom. Or, indeed, if you please, (and I do) - Whackin' Bottom.

Oh, oh, I feel another episode coming on...

Geeks of the Globe, Unite!

2006-01-14T20:09:00.000-08:00

... you have nothing to lose but your dandruff.

Naw reeelly. I mean, it seems like I keep reading blogs, board posts, magazine articles, newspaper pieces etc etc, that whine about how poorly treated and underpaid the technofied geekoids of the world are. At least compared to paper-pushing managers and 'business consultants', never mind CEOs. How many rants on the same subject have you read on sites like Fuck This Job?

But I don't understand it. I mean, in theory at least, geeks should run the planet. (OK, don't all point at Bill Gates at once. I mean yer regular garden variety geek: not a technepreneur necessarily, but the art and languages-hating kid in your class who wrote his own OS at twelve, fixes his own car, can explain how the electrical grid works without getting volts mixed up with Naomi Watts.

It's not as if I'm one of 'em, or complaining or anything. I just don't understand. I mean if they collectivized and organised they could hold the rest of us to fucking ransom. Hey, could you a) explain the functions of each part of a DVD player plus how they interact and b) build one yourself? What if all the IT geeks in your company decided they were having, ooh, a month's duvet days - all at the same time? Unless they got a 300% rise...

French Angel

2006-01-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

Still awake at 3 a.m., watching Dark Angel on DVD with the French soundtrack. Why did Dark Angel get canned anyway? It was so great compared to utter, utter, utter shite and tripe like 'Charmed' - which is on, what, its fifth season? Is Lucifer the executive producer of that unmitigated piffle or what?

Understanding about one word in five, mais c'est formidable en tout casse.

competing irritants

2006-01-14T08:51:00.000-08:00

I think there's a concept in medicine: I can't think of the right name but 'competing irritants' is as close as I can get. It means that if you have more than one thing wrong with you, the body/mind can only pay so much attention/use so much resources on each. So you actually feel better than if you only had one thing wrong with you.

That's been my week. Just as the latest worst thing ever happened and I became totally obsessed with just how sucky this latest thing was - I was hit and knocked sideways by the next thing.

So I then stopped worrying about the last worst thing ever.

My sucky life. It's a wonderful life.

big red bus...

2006-01-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

And it's totally empty. And the person behind you in the queue comes up behind you and sits down right next to you. The two of you were the only people in the queue to start with.

Ever happen to you? It did to me the other day.

It bothered me. Not for the usual reasons: I have lived in the same area as this guy for years, although I don't know him and I've never spoken to him.

It bothered me because I would put good (i.e. my own) money on this guy being Aspergers or fully autistic. (I can't claim any professional qualifications or diagnostic skills, but I have worked with autistic people). I have always thought so. And what bothered me was his skimming almost-eye-contact, his near-inaudible high-pitched talking (almost to himself), his inability to conceive of the possibility of directly speaking to and approaching someone. His absence of any social sense at all. The impossibility of speaking of this directly to him without causing offence. The thought of the rest of his life going on, with him just getting it wrong, so wrong, every time he tries to connect.

It seemed so unnecessary. But I suppose that's easy to feel if you're lucky enough to have even a bare minimum of social sensibility and skill.

did i get that job?

2006-01-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

I dunno. they called me the other day but i was too busy to take it. then yesterday i was off sick. if they can't be arsed to call by this point i guess i can take the hint.

The princess with the pea-green nose

2006-01-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

My family had a collection of 20s/30s kids' stories with this story in it. I read it throughout childhood and adulthood and it was really terrific. Really - it was wonderful. Then we managed to mislay the book somehow - don't know how or who. And I can't find the story, or the book, goddamn anywhere! Not on Amazon, not on Abesbooks, not anywhere!

Please (she begged pitifully) - tell me someone, somewhere, has heard of it, can locate it!

sexy ads

2006-01-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

Why have i got sexy ads on my blog? Why why why why why? Is this one of those Adsense hijacking virus thingummys I've read about? Why? Why me?

Am i going to have to track this down and see if there's a problem here?

Oh my gawd how I hate techy-type problems.

last day of the holidays

2006-01-02T02:12:00.000-08:00

last day of the holidays! LAAAARST DAY!

oh no. we haven't finished up all the holiday alcohol and coffee, i feel rough as a bear's bum - and it's back to work tomorrow!

still, there's always the lottery.

dollshouse dreams

2006-01-01T05:13:00.000-08:00

new year's resolution: make a fortune. the trick is working out how.

i thought i might craft some tiny dollshouse books and sell 'em. then i looked on ebay: going for about a quid a time! it's going to take a long time to make a fortune at that rate...

still might be fun to do.

bored now...

2005-12-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

bored now, fucked off, still not wodged up with dosh. two bills coming up, managed to spend £100 on food for Christmas, ... at least all my presents are bought. If not wrapped. that's going to be a two bottle job.

still two days to go at work. bugger.

i am not working, i am not writing, i am not studying. i am not doing well at work. i have applied for another job for which i am if anything over-qualified, but i am yet to hear sod all.

is dosh, fame and a life of idleness really too much to ask? I'm asking.

see if I care

2005-12-08T10:59:00.000-08:00

How do you accept rejection as a writer? I have a premonition that it's a skill that's going to take a lot of learning for me. I've started a new regime: five magazine article query letters a week. For one of them, I sent an email asking for the name of the appropriate submissions editor. When I got a very slightly puzzled/patient/pitying response back ... well, I won't say I was crushed. I'll wait for someone else to say that.

2005-12-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

I am applying for a new job. Correct that: I should be applying for a new job. I have the application form - it is like a brick. Going to need a bottle to get through that baby. And maybe a jar of coffee too.

cuz i'm 'ardcore darlin'.

Do you think just turning up at the place I'm applying and doing a Yosser Hughes would work? Holding onto the M.D.'s ankles as he drags me along, snivelling 'Plleeeeeeeeeese! Pleeeeeeeeeese give me a job!'

leave it out Caff, she ain't worf it.

2005-12-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

Does anybody else idolize Catherine Bennett? Does anyone else worship at her tiny little bovver-booted feet? Does anybody else even know who the heck I'm talking about?

The Guardian columnist! The one who puts the boot in like nobody ain't ever put the boot in before, of course!

Blair, the Tories, connoisseurs of prostitution, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - if Caff ain't put the boot into you, you ain't worf putting the boot into. And nobody puts the boot in like our Caff.

Go on, lass! Get in there! He's getting up again, get him in the ribs! Yeee-arrrrrrrrgh!

huh, huh, huh

2005-11-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

I wuz going to put a sig photo on me blog. But you can't do it like you do on yer actual blog apparently: you have to actually download software (Hello) for hosting purposes first.

Tarnation. Now I'll have to go and research all that old load of nonsense before I can get started. Anyhoo, here's the photo I was intending to have as me sig. The bf thinks it's quite flattering. Reckon it'll get me a model agency call?

well, if you will kick the car ...

2005-11-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

It's hard to get any Xmas shopping done when your bf's got a busted big toe. I ain't got noffin'!

oh, the extreme ironing?

2005-11-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

well, we were watching this faux documentary on extreme ironing, the latest seize-the-day Pepsi Max crazy punker sport fad: ironing on your ironing board, in rapids, on 50-foot waves, teetering off cliffs, under waterfalls... So I said to the boyfriend, ... 'But where do they plug the irons in?'

...

And you think I'm kidding.

extreme ironing and a long dog

2005-11-17T13:04:00.000-08:00

once i was getting out of the car with my boyfriend when we got home. I looked over towards the path, and i gasped. there was a woman with a sausage dog on a lead - but it was a huge long sausage dog! (sorry for how that sounds - no porn or perviness intended). I mean it was so long it looked like its stomach should be trailing on the ground.

So i said to my boyfriend 'Christ, look at that long dog!'

He looked over and he started to laugh. He said to me 'Do you notice anything unusual about that dog?'

'What?' quoth I.

'Well, it's got six legs, as well,' he said.

See if you can work it out quicker than I did.

crazy tightwad moneygrubber

2005-11-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

and i love it.

sigh. am i the only crazy one who almost every day uses an online calculator to work out how much she'll have saved by next year, next week, in five years, next century, at double the current interest rate, at half it, on double my salary, if I win the lottery...

Yeah, it's probably just me.

that didn't last long

2005-11-13T07:40:00.000-08:00

http://www.barbarsher.com

Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaah! Try 'Deep and Shallow Discussions', 'I'm so curious'!

don't feed the trolls - unless they're, like, really hungry

2005-11-12T15:14:00.000-08:00

i am currently not posting (or even lurking at) my usual favourite vr hangout. (OK, since you ask, that's the Barbara Sher forum).

I got embroiled in a political discussion. (OK! OK! a knock-down dragout fight!) normally, for me, this would result in either a) the (vr) death of one or both parties or ... well ... no other options, really. just keep on going. and going. until in receipt of mortal wounds, or having administered same.

and that was always ok with me. most of the time i even enjoyed it.

this time was a little different. thinking about my next (incisive, brilliant, humane, humble yet decisively obliterating) post ... a new thought struck me. a thought about what else i could have done with that time (that time still not yet lost). a thought about (yikes) whether it was worth it.

I decided it wasn't. which was a little scary. i guess uncharted territory always is. i decided: not, not to respond ever. (the high road: where is that again? could you redirect me? i never could read a map). but that, I didn't have to stay locked into a collar, yanked around on the end of a chain. waiting for the next post from my opponent, so i could respond with a massive kill-em-all WMD zero-sum MAD strike.

that i could take time out. y'know, for my life. and reply. or not. when i feel like it. i think that might be in a week, or maybe two.

this is scary folks. hold my hand here, a moment.

SEA-VIEW MY ARSE!

2005-11-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

! And the land-lady's fried eggs weren't up to much either...

let's go for a paddle eh?

teeny tiny poop

2005-11-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

no i ain't gone coprophiliac on yer arse (groo!). I'm just attending a miniaturist's fair at the weekend. Ya know, where they sell all the teeny tiny little dollshouse stuff. Like teeny tiny chamberpots with teeny tiny poops in the bottom. For real! I've seen it!

But more fascinating to me are the little sinks: with actual plugs! and baths with plugs on chains! and pet cats with real fur!

Oh it's a weird and wonderful world. The people obsessed with all this stuff: did they read the Borrowers once too often as kids? Apparently the UK is the centre of the world for miniaturists. and a couple of towns lead the UK. And my buddy lives on the estate that leads the towns and shows them the way, so I'm checking it out 'cause she's going. May have some Lilliputian pics for you guys!

pretty lights II

2005-11-06T01:21:00.000-08:00

It was the village bonfire on the sportsfield last night. Queueing was a nightmare: I'm sure they come from all over England for this bonfire!

Long wait for the fireworks and nightmare queues for booze, tea, coffee, pie 'n' peas etc. But when the fireworks started they were worth it.

I loved the ones like static electricity - jagged white lights in the sky, crackling like white noise on the radio. And the ones exploding into shoals of little fish or tadpoles or spermatozoa, wriggling away into the night. And the ones that swirled out like catherine wheels in the sky, like a schoolgirl heading home after a long day, swinging a shopping bag around that had contained the contents of her domestic science lesson, letting the flour spray out around and around...

And the purple ones. But everyone loves the purple ones.

Uh-oh

2005-11-05T09:58:00.000-08:00

As I'm currently applying for Adsense, I'd like to just very earnestly point out that the post about weightloss, Jesus etc was just a joke!

Oops.

pretty lights

2005-11-05T05:05:00.000-08:00

So, I haven 't got a detached retina or glaucoma. Thankfully.

I've been noticing a light - very occasionally - in my field of vision, when I haven't been looking at a bright light previously, over the last few months. I had a vague feeling from things I've read that this wasn't good, so I booked a sight test. Test over - I have to get a hospital appointment just to make sure, but it looks like things are OK.

Got a new glasses prescription while I was there. Just a prescription, didn't buy glasses from the rl optician. I think this time I'm going to give one of the online spectacles providers a try.

But I had to push to get the prescription out of them. They weren't very happy about it and handed it over with reluctance. (They were happy enough to take my money for the test). I thought I was going to have to come out with the 'I know my rights and I've checked out the consumer columns in the papers and I know it's illegal for you to withhold it' line. But fortunately not. I don't like to get stroppy though I will if I have to.

Anybody else had this problem? Anybody else bought specs from an online provider?

ALL BUFFY ALL THE TIME

2005-11-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy v buffy buffy buffy buffy buffy

... but seriously volks ... is anyone else here quite keen on the works of Joss Whedon?

Or even, p'raps, someone who can't go to sleep without an old episode, preferably Season 4, buzzing and 'josh'ing away in the background?

Hey, it beats insomnia, paranoia, anxiety, depression and medication hands down ...

retirement

2005-11-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees... how tired am i of reading the same Einstein quote on finance blogs, about compound interest being the eighth wonder of the world? like i need reminding that if i'd got started saving at seventeen I'd be able to spend my days toiling on the sofa in front of Ellen on ABC1. labouring over a hot kettle?

Retirement: the impossible dream.

Where's the wodge, guys? Why aren't I doshed up senseless, already?

Under-earning - money sucks

2005-11-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I should be making more money than I actually am. Where did I go wrong? I should be retired now!

Dieting is Dumb

2005-11-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

Well, it is. When I consider, I actually do have opinions on weightloss. I often share these opinions with a friend who agrees, probably because she also has never been overweight. We both think there is a basic misperception fat people suffer from , and that is that thin people are a different species. i.e. they feel differently and look differently at food: that they have some superhuman self-control, are never so hungry they could eat a snake or their own leg, never just inhale half a chocolate cake. that they are DIFFERENT and BETTER in some indefinable way.

Fundamentally, I think fat people torture themselves in ways a fat person would never even consider: they buy a pint of ice-cream - and then expect to be able to let it sit in the freezer for six months without touching it! Let me tell you, if that icecream was Neopolitan then six days would be stretching it to the extreme.

The general conclusion me and my buddy come to: If you don't BUY it then you can't EAT it...

Chinese - Mandarin

2005-11-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

I'm learning Mandarin - boy, that is one tough baby of a language! Anybody else?

Is anyone aware of any Pinyin text resources on the net, i mean like poems, articles, essays, books? I always find it helps my language acquisition if I can read in the language.

OLD GEEZERS

2005-11-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Cynical, yes. But those old geezers in Harry Potter! I'm not talking about Alan Rickman, I mean the kids!

By the time of the last film they're going to be about 35. They is making me feel all old.

Anybody else think J.K. Rowling really sucks as a writer? I mean, the awful puns she actually thinks are funny, especially the early books...

sex sex Harry Potter money money weightloss

2005-08-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

there, if that doesn't drag 'em in nothing will.

really, i need to win Euromillions. it's my priority for this weekend.

gosh-darn gosh-darn double darn it!

2005-06-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

which i also have in short story form! gosh-darn! let me finish!

about to start a new story though.

big old stoopid radio 4

2005-05-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

Huh. huh, i tell thee.

just found out that most magazines won't accept anything published anywhere previously, even in an obscure little blog like this.

gosh-darned tarnation.

removed my play (which i also have in short story

when the net becomes conscious...

2005-05-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

we're all just a cell in the brain. and when the brain becomes conscious of itself.....

how aware are you of any particular cell in your brain? do you grieve over the death of each and every braincell killed by that last gin and orange?

feeling tense

2005-05-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

feeling like a maniac. like a maniac maniac i'm sure and i'm dancing like....

thank god for Buffy my own natural unprescribed Valium.

stupid Radio 4

2005-05-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Have just rejected my play. Big old dummies. They ain't heard the last of me, I'm just starting in on the new one and adapting the old one for the current Channel 4 comp.

May post the play here if I can get enough net buddies to check it out.

boy, they dumb.

thankyou blogger!

2005-05-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

I nearly went and used up Blogger staff's valuable time with a fairly trivial copyright question. Then I thought to go have a look in the Terms of Service - and there was my answer. Thanks, Bloggervolk!

good goddamn

2005-05-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

where's my last post gone?

blair out

2005-05-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.backingblair.co.uk

check it out. how many more lies does he have to tell before his own Cabinet kick him the fuck out? make sure your vote counts.

saint Courtney

2005-05-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

I love Courtney Love ha ha ha, she can do no wrong. Sainted Courtney bless us all, Courtney for Pope!

Do your worst!

darfur

2005-05-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

why is nothing still being done? are they still arguing about semantics: how many angels on the head of a pin, how many raped women and dead kids before it counts as genocide?

what a god-damned worthless wretch tony blair is.

of course there's no oil in Darfur that i know of.

terminal hypochondria

2005-05-02T01:21:00.000-07:00

i've had a tummy ache mostly on the right side of my abdomen - still got a teeny trace of it. now i'm wondering about appendicitis and peritonitis. well it's one way to get the rest of the week off work.